Motherless Daughters of Los Angeles

Last Saturday, May 7, 2011, marked our 14^th annual Motherless Daughter’s Day luncheon.  For the past fourteen years, the day before Mother’s Day, we have gathered together to honor the memory of our mothers who have died.

This year our wonderful speaker was Fredda Wasserman.  Fredda is a psychotherapist and clinical director of Our House bereavement center here in Los Angeles.  She spoke to us about grief, death, dying and memories.  She read to us from her book, Saying Goodbye to Someone You Love: Your Emotional Journey through End-of-Life and Grief  and led us in a few exercises to help us reconnect with our feelings and memories of Mom.  It was beautiful and powerful.

Fredda Wasserman, LMFT

One of the things she shared from her book was a story of a woman whose mother had died four years prior and the woman was still grieving.  Someone said to this woman, “You’re still grieving?”  Her response was, “Well, she’s still dead.”  I loved that.  The truth of this kind of loss is that we never get over it.  Not really.  Yes we live on, have full lives and participate in society, but we are still grieving and will always be.  Maybe not everyday, or as intensely as we were, but still grieving just the same.

I continue to host this luncheon for the Motherless Daughters who want to come, so that they can get some support during what is often a difficult weekend.  Mother’s Day is a big reminder of our loss. 

Irene Rubaum-Keller, LMFT

Many thanks to Fredda for sharing with us!  I also want to thank all of the women who came, both for the first time and those who have come almost every year for the past fourteen.  It is because of you that I continue to do this work.  I hope you left with something of value and I hope to see you all next year!

Circle of Remembrance

My son is now 13.  It’s so very young and yet at times he seems like a young man, ready to go out into the world and make his own way.  I once read an article about Susan Sarandon and her daughter Eva.  At the time Eva was 17 and Susan said, “Now I’m just there to catch her when she falls.”  That made me cry.

I was seven when my Mom died.  She was not there to catch me when I fell.  Yes I had a Dad and a step-mom, but they were busy with other things.  So, I made sure that I didn’t fall, and if I did, that I could pick myself up.  Extreme self-reliance is a trait so many of us motherless daughters share.  It’s not pathological, it’s survival.

The best example of this in recent memory came from a story one of my support group members shared.  She was 8 when her Mom died and she was left to care for herself and her much younger brother.  She told stories of standing on a stool to cook them eggs for breakfast.

As an adult, this particular motherless daughter was dating a nice man and they were going on a trip together.  They were on the plane when the flight attendant offered her a Perrier.  She wanted one and so she got one and put it down on her tray.  When she tried to open it she couldn’t.  She tried and tried with all her might but the cap was on too tight for her little hands to open, so she just put it down.  Her man said, “Why didn’t you ask me to open that for you?”  She said, “It didn’t occur to me.”

It doesn’t occur to us because there wasn’t anyone there to:  open the bottle, see if our underwear still fit, make sure we knew what to do when we got our period for the first time, etc…  It doesn’t occur to us because we have been on our own for so long, we have adapted to it.  Not only have we adapted but we are petrified to rely on anyone else because they might just die too so it is much easier to just make sure we can go it alone, just in case.  This isn’t pathological, it’s survival.

If you have a story of self-reliance to share, please do.  You are not alone!

Irene Rubaum-Keller and her son Jack, 13

Selma Mae Rubaum 1932-1965

Depending on how old you were when your Mom died, you missed out in various ways. Here are some of the things I know I missed:

*Learning to cook

*Shopping tips like: How to buy quality over quantity. The notion that I deserve nice things, etc…

*Style: How to accessorize and put myself together.

*Make-Up: I learned this from magazines.

*Childcare basics: How to deal with my son’s teething, for example.

*My history: What I was like as a baby and young child and how that compares to my own child.

This is a photo of my Mom in her prom dress. I was only seven when she died, so I don’t remember too much about her. She was beautiful and had great style. I wish I could have learned that from her. I notice that I am fascinated by Dita Von Teese and her style. I know I’m not alone, but I really think it’s because she reminds me of my Mom. So odd that a woman who is younger than me now, reminds me of my Mom.

These are just a few things I know I missed, and still miss. What about you? Please share your thoughts and feelings with us. It helps everyone.

We gathered together again this year for our 13th annual Motherless Daughter’s Day luncheon and Circle of Remembrance ceremony.  Every year, for the past 13, we have met for lunch the day before Mother’s Day to help support each other during this difficult weekend.  This year we were fortunate to have Rachel Resnick, author of the book Love Junkie, as our speaker.

Rachel Resnick

Rachel is not only an amazing writer but also a Motherless Daughter.  She lost her Mom when she was just 14.

We shared some good food, some great conversation, some memories of events past and some grief.  After Rachel spoke, and we asked her some tough questions about how hard it is to trust and to love after the early loss of a Mother.  She shared some of her story with us and her recovery as well.  It was very inspiring!

I got up and said a few words about what this event is all about and why I choose to host it each year.

Irene Rubaum-Keller, LMFT

I shared a story about how I had just seen a segment on the news about a florist talking about Mother’s Day.  She said she like Mother’s Day much better than Valentine’s Day because, “Not everyone has a honey, but everyone has a Mommy.”  Ouch!

There is something very powerful about being in a room full of women who have had your experience and are living with the grief on a daily basis.  There is an unspoken bond that we share.  When we do our Circle of Remembrance ceremony, at the end of each luncheon, I can feel our Mothers in the room.  We stand in a circle, join hands, and one by one say our first name, daughter of our Mother’s first name. When I say, “Irene daughter of Selma,” I know she would be happy that I remember her and want to honor her.

There are women who have come every year since the first one, 13 years ago, and some new faces as well.  It is my hope that for all those who attended that you felt less alone and had a safe place to grieve for a little while.  I look forward to seeing you all next year!

xoxo,

Irene

Irene Rubaum-Keller, LMFT (founder and leader of MDLA)